A Romantic Suspense Novel in 2 Minutes
by SirenoftheStorm
Summary: Pretty much the modern equivalent of my "Regency Romance in 2 Minutes." A satire on the cliches of romantic suspense series based around an elite squad of soldiers.


AN: I do not own contemporary romantic suspense novels based around elite squads of soldiers. Well, actually I do own quite a few of them, but I don't own the concept. I do however own the Surveillance and Strategic Manly Stubble Maintenance Team.

(For any who don't know the sub-genre I'm referring to: Basically they're like any other romance series, only instead of having loads of money, the heroes have badass ninja skills and there's a strong subplot, usually based around fighting corruption and defending the innocent, or at least those who look innocent until they start wandering around in flimsy nightgowns.)

* * *

Hero: Sorry, babe, despite the deep romantic bond we've developed in the past month of steamy sexual tension and narrowly avoiding death, we can't be together permanently. I could never ask a woman to marry me with all the terrible dangers I face as the sniper in an elite squad of soldiers and the terrible danger it would put her in to be my wife.

Heroine: But I love you!

Hero's Boss: Hey, Hero, want to be promoted to the Surveillance and Strategic Manly Stubble Maintenance Team? You can work in a nice office at headquarters where no one will shoot at you, thus neatly removing all your reasons for not being able to marry her.

Hero: Oh, yes, I'd be thrilled to leave the crucially important field position I've spent my life training for to take a safe government desk job!

*Hero and Heroine frolic off into the sunset*

Squad Member 2: Jesus, we're dropping like flies lately. How are we supposed to use our badass ninja skills to save the world if these women keep picking us off one by one? First our expendable guy gets shot, then we lose our team leader to the wiles of expendable guy's vulnerable little sister, the psychic tracker gets snatched away during a trip to Africa by an idealistic young journalist, and now we lose our best sniper and our improbably muscled computer hacker to—

SM3: We've lost our improbably muscled computer hacker too?

SM4: He's been sent to London to track down the person sending threatening emails to the boss's niece.

SM5: But he swore an oath he'd never love again after terrorists killed his llama!

SM4: She has a tragic past and a unisex name.

SM5: Crap, strike him from the list too, then.

SM6: *has been listening to com unit* Bad news, guys. The person they're sending us to replace Gabe is an untrained former government operative with flowing titian hair and tawny eyes.

SM7: What the f*ck color is tawny supposed to be? And titian?

SM8: I thought Tawny was a stripper name.

SM6: I don't know what it means, but the orders from headquarters are that we make use of these words in our mental narratives. We are also permitted to describe her hair as 'auburn.'

SM5: Auburn's a city, isn't it?

SM6: It gets worse. We are required to think of and refer to all our firearms as 'guns' without even specifying the make and millimeter.

SM2: Is that even _possible?_

SM6: Apparently.

SM3: Are we at least allowed to clean or load them?

SM6: No.

SM5: So who can we assign to train her who won't end up falling in love with her?

SM8: What about Nick? He doesn't like women.

SM3: Nick's gay?

SM7 (Nick): I'm not gay! I just think all women are weak, selfish, treacherous sluts and treat them accordingly.

SM3: So you're a misogynist?

SM6: Yes, he is, but we don't use that word. Instead we describe him as "jaded" or "bitter" because that sounds sexier.

SM4: But are you sure he'll be able to control himself and resist the sexual tension that will develop as she proves to him that he's wrong about women?

Nick: Of course I can! Women are evil and I shall not accept any evidence to the contrary! Not unless she does something like risk her life for me while looking attractively disheveled.

SM2: Oh, well, that's not likely to happen in a romantic suspense novel. Okay, Nick, you've got the job.

Nick: I still don't know what a titian is.


End file.
